July 14th, 2025

saying and believing you can be better than those before you is easier than actually being better. my family is so complex, we are not normal by any means. we are the most abnormal generation ever. i've tried to be better to and for my nephew but it is really hard. i dont know how to unlearn the behaviors i experienced as a child. my siblings would ignore me and wouldn't pay attention to me they would be uncomfortable around me and uncomfortable with affection. so, in turn, i became uncomfortable with showing affection and giving it out. it's easier with friends, people who are non familial, but im still struggling. i cry every time i have to give affection. i dont know how to show that to my nephew, who doesnt even seem to care. its hard. i know him because i remember being a child begging for attention from my family. i get him. but now ive turned into my family, im annoyed by it. the way he looks at me makes me want to crawl in a hole. i havent spoken about this but my mom has definitely noticed. my sister started this chain, she was the one that was uncomfortable and was cruel to my brother and then when i came along, he was cruel to me for no reason. i havent repeated that to my nephew but i just feel bothered by his presence sometimes. he loves me so much without even knowing me, he wants to be in my room all the time, he plays pranks on me even though i barely spend time with him. he grabs my hand and leads me places he grabs my hand when he's upset. i dont understand it i dont understand my behavior and i probably wont for a long time. i love him so much but im afraid to show it because someone else might hear me and he knows. this can be said for many people in my life. people may think i wear my heart on my sleeve, maybe i do, but it's unintentional. i really cannot give out affection easily it's like pulling teeth. i got interrupted writing this because my dan and phil photocard came in the mail (WHAT!!!!) and omgogmogmogmg im so excited ok forget everything i said here im not emo

July 17th, 2025

im so pissed off right now i've been trying to face my past relationship because of certain things happening in my life and i can't progress further if i dont try to see where i went wrong but im getting so upset re-reading msgs and thinking about the end of it. just because i have bpd doesn't mean im off my rocker. i am way more stable than you and i am unmedicated in NO therapy. but im fucking normal i have a hold on myself. you need serious help that you'll never get because you're too scared and that's sad. dopamine hit after dopamine hit. bringing my bpd up and trying to frame me like im crazy and like i started our downfall is WEIRD. i never started that shit that was all YOU im so pissed i've been sitting here thinking i did something wrong when all i did was just be myself. we just didn't go well together. you didn't need to make a whole smear campaign out of me. you are WEIRD. weirder than i ever could be and i hope you leave me alone. and yet i cant shake off this feeling that i need fixing because you wanted to mess with my head and not talk to me for weeks and keep your distance even when i did talk to you. even when i apologized (which i had no reason to.) i am not responsible for you feeling like im cheating on you with the whole entire world. there was nothing i could do to ever fix it. it doesnt matter if i initated convos w u or begged you for anything. you would still hold me in that same light. and for what? you are so insecure, i feel bad for everyone around you. fuck you for ruining a part of me that i have to mend back together by myself. im not sure what the future holds for me you seriously fucked me up and its sickening how you can just move on so fast like you didnt emotionally abuse me. anyways, show on friday, will record. hope it'll be fun.. no car accidents in the whataburger drive thru this time. happy late birthday ray (jk i already said hbd) but everyone else shld wish him a hbd

July 19th, 2025

the show was AMAZING. will post vids on my youtube but theyre really bad quality because i was dancing and filimg.... sorrryyy... also didnt film all the bands because i was really enjoying myself. a guy stage dived and his ass landed on the right side of my face and im scared my eyebrow piercing is going to fall out of my face now but idk. i survived a skateboarding accident and it didnt fall out of my skin so... idk but it kinda healed me, i'd prefer if it wasnt his ass but you know beggars cant be choosers. my tmj pain went away for like a night afterwards. nice. the pain in ym face was different kind of pain and i welcomed it. after the show i ate wendys and it was the best wendys experience ive had since i moved. they actually gave me more than 1 or 2 bbq sauces like WHAT!!! might have to drive all the way to winkler dr for the wendys from now on.. anyways i found out that one of my ex friends is a meth addict now, i have lots of feelings on that but mostly it makes my skin crawl. not a big fan of that. also my sister has been activating my cuteness aggression idk why. she keeps trying to talk to, havent rlly had a conversation with her in years cant remember the last time i actually talked to her... maybe want to change that soon.. idk... i hate bitches that think im weak or pathetic for forgiving people didnt happen to u, u dont get to tell me anything. forgiveness is something that cannot be given out lightly. i take it seriously. its a powerful thing to forgive someone it doesnt happen overnight. i know exactly when and not to forgive. idk. still pissed off at things that happened months ago.. i just cant see how im weak for forgiving people that are close to me. idk. you tell me. also these people dont even know the full side of the story they dont know anything they run off word of mouth, so annoying. if you are not in my life if you have not been here for 5 years you do not get a say on me or the right to form an opinion on my actions... SORRY!

July 20th, 2025

can't a guy just make a few spelling and gramatical errors? not gonna fix them, solve my riddles. also i just put stuff out to put stuff out i dont edit anything unless what i said was really stupid. anyways. july has been good to me i finally got an af attack and omgogshsshhs SOOO CUTE EEEEEK!!! i want to do a couple more but i get so overwhelmed.... csp already took $4 out of my bank account so i guess i HAVE to.. GOSH. planning on job searching after my birthday so i can be free on my day of birth in case i get a job because i can usually get hired pretty quickly.. lets pray taco bell answers my calls! feeling: whimsical and lovely, few things have attempted to knock me down but i could give 2 farts.... i love living lalalalalalaala getting my snakebites soon #EXCITED. ouhhh so excited. just uploaded new video to youtube check it... very bad footage and i some dude's ass got more than 1 sec of fame sorry but it's a good set go watch... i was having a blast. by the first or second act i get pumped, its like ripping off a band-aid. changing my birthday plans around a bit have some good plans... gonna see superman today i think okok signing out (for now)