June 10th, 2025

i want to disappear so badly. i cant do anything at all if these people dont MOVE it doesnt seem like theyre moving any time soon and i dont know how much longer i can handle this i cant keep accommodating to everyone else i just want to be happy im not happy i dont know how or what to change i have so many good things but im not happy why cant i just do things????? he observed that when i dont understand something i put all my force into figuring it out thats something i can appreaciate and the only thing im taking away from that relationship but right now that doesnt fit me i cant figure out whats wrong with me and im so worn out i cant attempt to understand

June 16th, 2025

i relive my worst moment with you every month without fail. it lives in my body and i think thats really special but also really fucked up and i dont think any amount of apologizing or forgiveness you give me could amend it for me i love you for taking care of me, you shoudnt have had to do that. you shouldnt have had to listen to my humiliation. i will forever love you for that but i am sorry it happened that was a pivital moment in my life and in a fucked up way, im glad it was you that witnessed it. i like to think my life started when i met you. we practically grew up together and i like that instead of the reality of my childhood up until that point. and its my life so i choose whatever the fuck i want Ok. i really like my life with you in it. big fan of yours. i had a point with this but im just rambling now. just know i really love you forever and ever you are my best friend and life partner

June 17th, 2025

i honestly have no idea what im doing with my life. i have a lot of things to do but i feel so directionless WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am having a mid life crisis WAY too early. HELP!!! i love my friends. i love the opportunities i have ok. i need to. feel better. How? maybe i need more structure i need a routine i think i hit peak happiness when i have a schedule okay . wait maybe im having a mid life crisis BECAYSE IM GOING TO DIE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I HATE MY FUCKING BRAIN

June 18th, 2025

ok i think i know what i want to do with my life thanks to a youtube comment a former friend left on my channel 4 years ago i vaguely remember why they said what they said. i think i was unintentionally an asshole. i need to change. i was reading back on old discord arguments (as one does) and i need to change for myself nothing anyone said is influencing my decision i just dont like that version of myself i think the version i am now is very awesome and i want everyone who decides to check back up on me to see that so im changing. my online persona. into something i want to be proud of i think im going to take more pictures upload more videos be more personal... i could really gaf im proud of who i am this is me yes i am cringe yes i leave the house maybe 2 times a month if im unemployed yes i have no direction to where im going in Life but i have love. i know what i love. i know WHO i love. i always loved reading about other people's personal lives on their old blogs from the 2000's. i would read a fanfic, go to their profile, stalk them online and just get to know them through their blogs and i hold that really close to my heart. i want people to experience that with me i want my life to be out there i want people to experience the world from my POV because when im gone, thats gone as well. check out my youtube!! im uploading videos i take from shows i go to in the scene in houston !

June 19th, 2025

i want to make an update log for the "currently listening" section because it does take some effort to convert the music into mp4 and then exporting them to catbox so i can embed it into my site...and also i think the guestbook is too hidden but i like the space it covers.. idk? i just want people to write in my guestbook i guess. i also want people to visit my site but also not visit it because its kind of embarassing i already showed one friend (hi johnnie) and i want to die. anywyas hello world! i am feeling very conflicted. i really like people, especially NEW people, talking to me and starting convos but its just nervewracking idk why. i am so socially drained talking to people is hard!!!!!! but its cool because i am discovering people around me are obsessed with fall out boy. also just knocked a couple things off my to do list and im feeling #fire. still thinking about those discord arguments tho. like wow 2023 was rough. looking back on it, i understand where they were coming from but at the same time i do not think the issue was that serious but that is discord culture for you.. im still thinking about it because one of the topics in that argument was my college plans and my friend johnnie (hi again) asked if i was still in uni and it got me thinking. call me an avg self centered amaerican but i noticed that every non american just says uni ALWAYS when referring to a higher education. like university here is so fucking expensive i am NOT going to uni anytime soon i am on a free ride to community college, thank you pell grant! for any non american reading this: community college is a 2 year institution where you get a lesser degree but its half the price of any university and sometimes you can get in for free if your family is poor enough. idk what that has to do with anything i was talking about but yea. just Thinking.... and i still havent moved out lol i dont see myself moving out for a long time bc of this economy. so i guess my life plans right now are finish community college finish emt course maybe study a bit work as an emt for awhile then study to become a paramedic because i wanted to become a firefighter BUT i would need to workout for that... like rlly badly... more than i would ever need to workout as an emt/paramedic....and i dont think im just cut out for the firefighter lifestyle sorry. my emo cousin (which i should probably talk to) idk if he's emo he has the emo bangs and he shops at hot topic but he mostly listens to nu metal? u rock julian. anyway he's also going into the medical field and people tell us we look alike? i dont think we do but we do have similar interests i had beef with him for most of my life because of a misunderstanding and a grudge he had against me but my mom told his mom that im emo so all was forgiven my sophmore year. he's also a trans ally so shoutout to him. my sister studied to become a nurse for awhile so i feel like im falling into her footsteps a bit and it makes me ANGRY. i could just choose not to become anything in the medical field and walk away but its calling to me .... i never imagined i would end up here geology didnt work out for me btw folks who know... its sad but im letting go and im much happier studying as an emt. also is the green text too hard to read? lmk in the guestbook HEH. ok im logging off im basically just rambling

June 20th, 2025

the compression gloves stay ON during sex. carpal tunnel is no joke... i love u fob i hate carpal tunnel syndrome

June 21st, 2025

feeling: loved. happy. tipsy on life. cheesy. by the way is it normal for friends to introduce you to other friends? i dont know multiple people have asked me to introduce them to my other friends. online people too... never crosses my mind.. i understand wanting to introduce my partner to my friends but my friends meeting my friends never crosses my path of thinking. id like to show off ray to all my friends tho one day that i understand bc ray is ray and i love ray ok. anyways had a really good time gonna post a video to my youtube its just me and my bff sitting in the taco bell parking lot also might redo my site need to add more things to it might make guestbook more prevaliant or however u spell taat also try scooters peach pie red bull infusion drink its there for a limited time so if ur reading this in 2027 ur too late bud.

June 26th, 2025

i should make a little playlist for you guys of song recs what i have under "listening to" is supposed to function as that but i dont think its very effective idk. le sigh le sigh more things to procrastinate. ive been chipping away at everything very slowly and im satisfied with my progress. i really want to stretch my ears but its complicated for me to understand. i think im just a little stupid in the head i got dropped a lot throughout my life. and choked out. a lot of people like choking me i dont know why. i went out with someone who choked me in 8th grade. i think that says a lot about me than it does about them. then my best friend dated him and i had to pretend i was happy for him. awkkkwarddddddd. i think my dating history is pretty pathetic. i say no more! then i go and attach myself to a white man with anger issues. not everyone ive dated fits this description but yea.. its complicated, much like stretching my ears. im trying to be better, for me and my future partners.. if i have any.. i really like the label aroace i think it really fits me i think i just get really attached to people because of my own personal issues and then i just get lost in it and its hard to find my way out i lose myself i dont know who i am when im in a relationship i become the person im dating its always refreshing when i get out because i get to discover who i am again and breathe but there was one instance where that didnt happen, i actually felt like myself before during and after our relationship it was weird. but i didnt get too far before hopping into another one lol. i had to edit this like 2 times bc 1. dropped as a baby 5 times... 2. i havent slept i fell asleep at 10? 11?pm and woke up at 2 am and i am brain dead.

June 27th, 2025

there has been something going on in my head for well over a year now. there is always something going on in there, always will be, fork in kitchen whatever. but this is different this is something ive know about for awhile but never expressed to anyone else. i just want to get it out there because this is my website and this is my memorial this is the handprint i want on my record i hate when people assume things about me i cant be shy if i want to represent myself. there are so many things wrong with me if i got into them we'd be here for weeks. i try my hardest to just ignore it and go on with my day i say im fine and i run i am always running from something that nobody else can see i think im loveable, maybe. lots of people are in love with the idea of me i have no clue what that entails. i go through states of not knowing who or what i am and some days im so sure of it. i go through phases of wanting to expel every thought and resurfacing memories into the public eye. so someone can share the burden with me i dont know how to talk to people i dont know how to put the words in my head into words until its 3 am and i havent slept and ive listened to too much fall out boy and car seat headrest im so filled with want and i dont deserve any of it im so filled with anger and regret and i want revenge i want sommeone to do it for me so i wont have bloody hands. but also i dont care at all about revenge, not really at all. i have so much good things going on it makes me anxious im not used to good things like this. i spent my youth locked in my room with only my thoughts to keep me company i spent school days so desperate for any affection or companionship i would cut and bleed for it. i would put my head in their hands and watch as they cut out my heart and stomped on it i liked being choked and hit because i got the attention of my peers for once. i liked it so much because it was a new experience and something so normal. i saw it in movies all the time it was proof i was a normal kid. because if its in movies it must be normal. my life has to be like a movie. if im not in a relationship if im not going out with friends if i dont have a best friend if i dont have cool instagram photos or an online presence at all, im not real. im not living. i am that child stuck in his room clawing at his own skin. sometimes i think thats who i am, that child. sometimes i think im the eager and desperate "manwhore" my mom told me i was when i was 12. sometimes i think im the stupid lovesick teenager hiding in discord chats all day. sometimes i think im me who cuts his own hair, has piercings, has so many lovely friends and a soulmate, goes out to bars and concerts and conventions. its all ive ever wanted. i feel so guilty i have survivors guilt i see others around me who are stuck in their own rooms and i want to claw and get them out. and i feel like i dont deserve the life ive carved out for myself. i dont deserve it. i feel so comfortable in my dark room with nobody at all to check up on me. i craved it. sometimes i still do i go in these episodes where i'll only lift my head up for ray. i am the way i am because i cherish every human interaction i get, for the kid who only had himself and objects. i get so overwhelmed with the amount of people talking to me in dms or by new followers or even just by my regular friends indirectly showing how much they care. its too much i dont know how to deal with it. i split i lash out i hide i run i dont know how to fix it it takes me forever to muster up the words or discover why im acting like this i am okay because this is all ive known ive dealt with this since i was born ive learned to live with it someday i'll part with it and that scares me because i dont want to lose that kid inside me because he was my first and only friend he was the only one who understood who remembered ive chopped off pieces of my memories and given it to people but i dont think they deserved it or remembered or truly understood. its like giving out friendship bracelets. im scared all the time of losing it all im scared of losing myself im a big scaredy cat. but most of the times i cover it up and act confident actually its not even acting i fully believe it myself. maybe tomorrow ill wake up and read this and think it doesnt sound anything like me.

June 30th, 2025

artfight tmrw a little scared... lots of things to do... feel a bit more like myself..getting back into transformice.. working on stuff.. feel like im in another world where only i exist mainly because im only awake when everyone else is sleeping. its nice, though. im on that grind dont worry

July 2nd, 2025

hi hello wow its july... I AM SO BUSY!!!!!!!!! going to cut and color my friends hair today i pray i dont fuck up he wants the most complicated shit in the world its pissing em off what do u mean u want a wolf cut BUT U WANT TO KEEP THE LENGTH U HAVE. ok maybe i do but i feel like im going to accidentally cut off some hairs he doesnt want cut and is going to get pissed off or im going to fuck up HIS COMPLICATED HAIR DYE IDEA i am no licensed professional my hair doesnt even look that good .. so whatever money is money. also im so flipping busy i have to clean my room (have done) and bathroom (semi.) AUGHH and wash clothes and my bedding too its 9 am i dont know when hes coming over.. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! i also worked from 3 am to 3 pm yesterday on something for my special friends birthday and AUGHHH I HATE IT but i have spent sm time on it i dont know.... i just need to live w it.... adn then the side project that goes w it has been taking me forever to learn how to do. and then arfight is here i have a sketch done but im so insecure what if the person hates it idk why i was convinced to do artfight. le sigh. ill work on it later. at least i fixed my sleep schedule hey!

July 4th, 2025

hi hello i can feel the depression creeping in on me i am so tired and irritable and so so miserable. i feel like a failure. this will pass, this is just one of my downs but knowing that doesnt make it any more bearable. i feel kinda lonely and i dont know why. theres this ache and i dont know what to fill it with. i just want to lie down in the grass and melt away. im hanging out with my friend and his bf but it feels more like an obligation. i will ruin it for them or myself and i just hope its the latter. i just want to feel better im so sick i cant get rid of this thing i will live with it for my entire life ive learned to share but im so sick and tired. it was comfortable laying in my own filth with company, i miss staying in and hiding during holidays. but thats the worms in my brain talking i dont know why im feeling like this maybe because i know im going to see people from high school at the park and i really dont want to. i will be walking alone for a bit until i reach the park and its a bit scary. i wish i could roll a stealth check its kinda funny because i got reminded of this memory my brother has of me stabbing him with a fork because he was fucking with me. i wish i could find that energy now. i wish i was sociable and didnt have social anxiety.